滿分GRE寫作范文賞析分享（二）

GRE的寫作是中國考生最不容易得到滿分的部分，究其原因是因為大家的思路和母語學習者不同。留學監(jiān)理網(wǎng)的老師就給大家找到了一些文章來幫助大家進行GRE考前的寫作訓練。

【題目】

The following appeared in a memo written by a dean at Buckingham College:

“To serve the housing needs of our students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory. Buckingham’s enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty years, thus making existing dormitories inadequate. Moreover, the average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. Consequently, students will find it increasingly difficult to afford off-campus housing. Finally, an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham.”

【滿分范文賞析】

【第一段】

In this memo a dean at Buckingham College recommends that in order to meet expected enrollment increases the college should build an additional dormitory. To support this recommendation the dean points out that rental rates for off-campus apartments have been increasing, thus making it more difficult for students to afford this housing option. The dean also points out that a new dormitory would attract prospective students to the college. This argument is problematic in several respects.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標準的Argument開頭段結(jié)構(gòu)，即C—E—F的開頭結(jié)構(gòu)。段落首先概括原文的Conclusion，接下來概括原文為支持其結(jié)論所引用的一系列Evidence，最后給出開頭段到正文段的過渡句，指出原文的Flaw，即其在多個方面存在問題。

【本段功能】

本段作為Argument開頭段，具體功能就在于發(fā)起攻擊并概括原文的結(jié)論，即Buckingham學院應(yīng)新建一棟宿舍樓以應(yīng)對預(yù)期的注冊學生數(shù)目增長。本段接下來分布列舉了原文為支持其結(jié)論所引用的證據(jù)——校外公寓的房租在增長以及一棟新的宿舍樓將吸引未來的學生來到學院。這些信息的歸納為正文段中即將進行的具體攻擊作鋪墊。

【第二段】

A threshold problem with the argument involves the statistical reliability of the reports about off-campus rental rates. The dean indicates only that “student leaders” reported these statistics; the dean provides no information about how these students collected their data. It is entirely possible that the report was based on an insufficiently small sample or a sample that was unrepresentative of the town’s overall student rental market.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標準的Argument正文段結(jié)構(gòu)，即：概括第一個邏輯錯誤的錯誤類型和其在原文中出現(xiàn)的位置，接下來給出合理的理由和他因來反駁原文。

【本段功能】

本段作為正文第一段，攻擊原文中出現(xiàn)的第一個重要邏輯錯誤——調(diào)查類錯誤。原文的開端問題涉及到其關(guān)于校外房租的報告的統(tǒng)計學可靠性。院長僅指出這些統(tǒng)計數(shù)據(jù)是由“學生領(lǐng)袖”提供的，并沒有針對這些數(shù)據(jù)是如何收集的提供更多信息。該報告完全可能是基于一個不充分的小樣本或一個不能代表該市總體學生租房市場的樣本得到的。

【第三段】

Secondly, the dean assumes that this current trend in rental rates will continue in the future; yet the dean offers no evidence to substantiate this assumption. These rates are a function of supply and demand, and it is entirely possible that construction of apartment houses will increase in the future, thereby reducing rental rates along with the need for an additional dormitory. Without considering this possible scenario, the dean cannot justifiably conclude that an additional dormitory is needed to meet future demand.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標準的Argument正文段結(jié)構(gòu)，即：概括第二個邏輯錯誤的錯誤類型和其在原文中出現(xiàn)的位置，接下來給出合理的理由和他因來反駁原文。

【本段功能】

本段作為正文第二段，攻擊原文中出現(xiàn)的第二個重要邏輯錯誤——錯誤假設(shè)。

原文中，院長假設(shè)目前房租的趨勢將在未來延續(xù)，但他并未提供證據(jù)證明此假設(shè)。

房租是供求量的函數(shù)，公寓住房的建設(shè)在未來完全可能增加，從而將使房租連同對一棟額外宿舍樓的需求一起降低。本段最后指出如果沒有考慮這一可能情景，院長不能有理由地推斷學院需要一棟額外的宿舍樓以應(yīng)對未來的需求。

【第四段】

Thirdly, the dean assumes that as enrollment increases the demand for student housing will also increase. While this might be the case, the dean ignores the possibility that the increased enrollment will be the result of an increase in the number of students commuting to Buckingham from their parents’ homes. This scenario, if true, would render the dean’s argument for building a new dormitory untenable.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標準的Argument正文段結(jié)構(gòu)，即：概括第三個邏輯錯誤的錯誤類型和其在原文中出現(xiàn)的位置，接下來給出合理的理由和他因來反駁原文。

【本段功能】

本段作為正文第三段，攻擊原文中出現(xiàn)的第三個重要邏輯錯誤——因果類錯誤。在原文中，院長假設(shè)對學生住房的需求會隨著注冊學生數(shù)目的增加而提高。雖然事實可能的確如此，院長忽視了注冊學生數(shù)目的增加將由走讀生數(shù)目的增加而導致這一可能性。如果此情景成立，院長對于修建新宿舍樓的論證將是站不住腳的。

【第五段】

Yet another problem with the argument involves the dean’s final claim that an attractive new dormitory would attract prospective students to Buckingham. Even assuming students in fact choose colleges on this basis, by relying on this evidence the dean essentially provides an argument against building the new dormitory. If an attractive new dormitory would increase demand for dormitory space, this fact would only serve to undermine the dean’s conflicting claim that the new dormitory would help meet increasing demand for dormitory space.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標準的Argument正文段結(jié)構(gòu)，即：概括第四個邏輯錯誤的錯誤類型和其在原文中出現(xiàn)的位置，接下來給出合理的理由和他因來反駁原文。

【本段功能】

本段作為正文第四段，攻擊原文中出現(xiàn)的第四個重要邏輯錯誤——矛盾假設(shè)。院長在原文中最后聲明一棟新的宿舍樓將吸引未來的學生來到Buckingham學院。即使假設(shè)學生們的確以此為依據(jù)選擇學校，院長基于此證據(jù)本質(zhì)上提出了一個反對修建新宿舍樓的論斷。如果一棟吸引人的新宿舍樓將提高對住宿空間的需求，院長關(guān)于新宿舍樓將幫助應(yīng)對住宿空間需求的提高這一矛盾的論斷將被削弱。

【第六段】

In conclusion, the dean’s recommendation is not well-supported. To strengthen it the dean must provide clear evidence that average rental rates for off-campus student apartments have in fact been increasing, that this trend will continue in the future, and that this trend will in fact result in an increased demand for dormitory housing.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標準的Argument結(jié)尾段結(jié)構(gòu)，即C--S的結(jié)尾結(jié)構(gòu)。段落首先再次重申原文站不住腳的Conclusion，接下來給出可以增強原文說服力的合理的Suggestion，包括原文作者需要進一步提供的證據(jù)和信息等。

【本段功能】

本段作為Argument結(jié)尾段，具體功能即為總結(jié)歸納+提出建議。段落首先再次重申強調(diào)Argument作者的論證不合理，接下來給出合理的建議：院長必須提供清晰的證據(jù)證明校外學生公寓的平均房租確實在增長，且這一趨勢將在未來延續(xù)，并確實將導致對宿舍住房的需求的提高。不難發(fā)現(xiàn)，結(jié)尾段總結(jié)提出的建議非常規(guī)整地與正文各段中依次攻擊的錯誤遙相呼應(yīng)，使全篇文章顯得渾然一體。

【滿分要素剖析】

【語言表達】

本文的語言使用規(guī)范、清晰，詞匯也用得準確地道，并使用多變的句式讓考官讀起來津津有味，這些都是GRE寫作官方的語言要求。同時，文章的結(jié)構(gòu)型語言和內(nèi)容型語言相得益彰，結(jié)構(gòu)是骨架，內(nèi)容是血肉，二者完美結(jié)合。

1) In this memo … recommends that ….(標志性的Argument開頭段引出原文結(jié)論的語言表達形式。)To support this recommendation the dean points out that …. The dean also points out that ….(引出原文為支持其結(jié)論所引用的一系列的荒謬論據(jù)。)This argument is problematic in several respects.(標志性的指出文章錯誤的語言表達。整體開頭段是標準的C—E—F的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

2) A threshold problem with the argument involves the statistical reliability of the reports about …. The dean indicates only that … reported these statistics; the dean provides no information about how … collected their data. It is entirely possible that the report was based on an insufficiently small sample or a sample that was unrepresentative of ….(標志性的調(diào)查類錯誤的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

3) Secondly, the dean assumes that …; yet the dean offers no evidence to substantiate this assumption. …, and it is entirely possible that …, thereby …. Without considering this possible scenario, the dean cannot justifiably conclude that….(標志性的錯誤假設(shè)的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

4) Thirdly, the dean assumes that …. While this might be the case, the dean ignores the possibility that …. This scenario, if true, would render the dean’s argument for … untenable.(標志性的因果類錯誤的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

5) Yet another problem with the argument involves the dean’s final claim that …. Even assuming …, by relying on this evidence the dean essentially provides an argument against …. If …, this fact would only serve to undermine the dean’s conflicting claim that ….(標志性的矛盾假設(shè)的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

6) In conclusion, the dean’s recommendation is not well-supported. To strengthen it the dean must provide clear evidence that ….(標志性的Argument結(jié)尾段的Conclusion—Suggestion體系的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

【邏輯結(jié)構(gòu)】

本文的寫作體現(xiàn)出了非常嚴謹?shù)拈_頭段—正文段1、2、3、4—結(jié)尾段的邏輯體系：

(開頭段)In this memo … recommends that ….

(正文段1)A threshold problem with the argument involves the statistical reliability of the reports about ….

(正文段2)Secondly, the dean assumes that …; yet the dean offers no evidence to substantiate this assumption.

(正文段3)Thirdly, the dean assumes that ….

(正文段4)Yet another problem with the argument involves the dean’s final claim that ….

(結(jié)尾段)In conclusion, the dean’s recommendation is not well-supported.

特別值得一提的是本文正文第四段的寫作。該段首先通過Yet another problem with the argument involves the dean’s final claim that an attractive new dormitory would attract prospective students to Buckingham. Even assuming students in fact choose colleges on this basis, by relying on this evidence the dean essentially provides an argument against building the new dormitory.兩句說明原文中出現(xiàn)的矛盾假設(shè)錯誤。緊接著，段中If an attractive new dormitory would increase demand for dormitory space, this fact would only serve to undermine the dean’s conflicting claim that the new dormitory would help meet increasing demand for dormitory space.一句對該邏輯錯誤進行了簡明有力的分析，充分展現(xiàn)出了正文段嚴密的邏輯思路。

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